Summer 2014 in Review

Back in April, I was expecting this summer to be relatively good. I knew that I was going to miss all my friends in Springfield, I was expecting to have this feeling of refreshment this summer. And I guess I did, for the first few weeks of summer. But then, it kinda just started to suck. A lot. I was on Support Staff at Sr. High Camp, and that was a great experience. Very challenging, but nonetheless an experience that I will take with me for years. I was grateful beyond words to share my story with girls and help them grow closer with the Lord. But during that week, I could not have felt farther from God. In April, I had started praying every day that God would give me a steady job and great opportunities to minister to people while I was in Toledo. Every day, I expected God to just hand me what I wanted, something that I do far too often. I hate admitting that, but I’m a spoiled brat, and it sucks sometimes. No, not just sometimes, but all the time. It’s hard for me to not accept that I don’t always get what I want. Anyway, when July hit I kind of just quite life. I laid on my couch and spent hours on my laptop and watching way to much tv and not being as active as I should have been. And when we sold our car, that was it for me. This summer could not have gotten any worse. But it did. I drifted apart from pretty much every single friend that I have here in Toledo, and I felt more alone than I ever had in my whole life. I thought, well no one cares about me here so why even am I here. No one wants to hang out with the girl who can’t even drive herself to the mall. I was done with even trying to reach out to people who didn’t even show an interest in wanting to see me, let alone talk to me. Even writing this makes me sound so pathetic, but it’s the truth, no matter how much it hurts to say it.

I have 12 days left here in this city. 12 days until I get back to my life, the life that I have prayed for years to have. The life that I finally have and can be happy about. Don’t get me wrong, there are things and people here in Toledo that I love, who I would die for. But this summer has sucked. Period. Sorry bout it. I am sad to say that I sort of wasted this summer away, but I now know that can never happen again. God has forgiven me, of everything I have done and will do. I can’t say that I was perfect this summer, but I can say that I have figured out who really matters in my life and who deserves to be in my life. I have lost many friends, but God has given me so many more, more than I can even imagine honestly. As dark and lonely as this summer has been, there is one promise that I hold on too: the sun rises every morning, just like His blessings and love and mercy and grace. And I am holding on to that for the next 12 days, as well as the next 3 years, and well, the rest of my life.

My friends, I truly hope that you had a great summer. Mine did have its perks. I pray that you reflect on all the many blessings, big and small, that happened to you this summer. If you’re a Springfield peep of mine, I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU I MISS AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH! And if you’re a Toledo peep, we could have hung out if you had just PICKED UP THE PHONE. DANG.

Next on the list, packing and a very special night with One Direction (IM SEEING THEM IN CONCERT YAY!) 

Liebster Award

Okay, so funny situation: I hadnt checked my blog in AGES. Partly because i was avoiding it, and partly because... well... yeah i was avoiding it. (Will explain in next posts soon). So, my good friend Erin whom i met at camp last year nominated me for this thing called a Liebster Award which is basically a cool things for bloggers to nominate other bloggers and you ask really cool questions and stuff.

SO.

Your supposed to post like 11 facts about yourself that no one knows. This is funny because im an open book 90% of the time, so if you know some of these things about me thats cool! It means that i trust you :)

Here we go:
1. I always double tie my shoes. Im clumsy, so Im not about that "fall over my own feet" life.
2. I'm obsessed with Greys Anatomy. I could talk about that show alllll dayyy looooong.
3. I have known my best friend Amanda for like... 13 years. Practically our hole lives.
4. I have always wanted to start my own YouTube channel.
5. Everyone loves the volume of my hair, but its one of the things that I just really dont like about myself. Thats why i get relaxers. Well that and it just keeps it looking nice i think.
6. If i could, I would spend a day with Steve Jobs. Such an incredible man. I cried when he died, and i dont cry at many things.
7. Tinker Bell will forever be my favorite Disney "princess". Hands down.
8. My poor IPhone 4 is slowley dying :(
9. I want to write a book someday.
10. Learning a musical instrument is something that has to be done before 2015.
11. My favorite time of day is when the sun is setting and it makes everything really chill and pretty.

Okay, so Erin asked me questions so I'm going to answer them.

If this blog post seems formal to you, trust me, it does to me too. But anyway this is fun :)

 1. If you could dye your hair any color without feeling regret, what would you color it?

 I would probably have to say... hmm... maybe a lighter brown? My hair is already dark and ive done the hole "be rebellious and bleach and dye it pink" thing and it kinda backfired, so i would just have to say whatever my home girl Michelle who takes care of my mane would think looks best. She knows my hair better than i do. 

       2. What book would you suggest for anyone to read?

Im a sucker for a classic, so anything by Laura Ingles Wilder if they havnt already read her yet. But currently im OBSESSING over Paper Towns by John Green and anything by Karen Kingsburry. 

       3. What is the last thing that made you cry (happy or sad)?

Probably watching high school students worship their heart out at Sr. High Camp. Brought back alot of memories for me of how much God had changed my life at camp. Truly inspiring watching other students chase after God and give him their all. 

       4. If you had to travel to the place you dread the most, where would that be?

Deffinatly 100% would be London, England. I literally dream of sitting at a really cool cafe, drinking coffee, and writing my book. And hey, if i meet One Direction that would be a plus too ;)

       5. If you were an ice cream flavor, what would you taste like?

Probably a mix between brownie and caramel. YUM. 

       6. Who is your spirit animal?

I say this all the time, but by far my spirit animal is.... a platypus. They are such cool animals. And i think im a good person. Just put a fedora on me and I'm Perry the Platypus. 

       7. What is your favorite song to listen to currently?

Currently im loving anything by my ALL TIME FAVORITE BAND 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER, Sam Smith, and of course Ed Sheeran

       8. If you could trade places with someone for one day, who would it be?(Bonus: Why?)

I would probably trade places with anyone who works for 5sos (5 seconds of summer for you newcomers lol). I just love that band so much, and to spend a day with them would just be AMAZING. 

       9. What is the best day (in your opinion)?

The best day would probably be that one day in fall when everything is perfect and your with your friends and you have a blast doing whatever your doing and life kinda just stops and you just LIVE. 

       10. What is your favorite day of the year?

My favorite day of the year is my birthday! It reminds me that hey, i made it one year, and its worth it to keep going. I know, cheesy, but its the truth. Plus, when do you get hugs, genuine hugs, from people who love you and appreciate your birth?! And the gifts arnt half bad either ;)

       11. If any mythical creature (or place) could be real, what would you want it to be?

HOGWARTS HOGWARTS HOGWARTS. AND EVERY CREATURE IN HARRY POTTER. EVERY SINGLE ONE. 

Well that was fun! Thanks alot to Erin for nominating me! Love you girl! :) 

Longing.

I wasn't planning on writing another blog post for a while, but God works in weird ways sometimes. This week has not only been a stressful one, but also a spiritual journey as well. I asked God for an adventure, and he certainly put me on one. In chapel on Tuesday, my spiritual life kind of went another 360. It’s amazing how much God can change you more than you thought he could. I tend to worry and, as I have said in my past post, anxiety is a big thing for me.

But here’s the thing: God knows our plans before we even make them. He knows our hearts desires before we even do. He knows what we are going to do tonight, tomorrow, and 5 years from now. He wants to know our hearts, even though he already does. He wants us to let him in even more than he already is. He longs for us. And in that longing, we can delight and pursue in it. He longs for you, like a dying man in a desert longs for water.

And ladies, this is for you: I read in a book a few years ago that you need/should want a man who longs and pursues you like a dying man wants and longs for water in a dessert. Guys, same with a gal. You want a girl who is so lost in God that you have to find more of Him before you can truly find her.

BUT, it’s the same with Jesus. HE WANTS US LIKE THAT! Isn't that amazing?! I get excited and happy even thinking about it!

And not only does he want us, but we want him the same way. We need to want God the same way he wants us. We don’t just need to pursue him, we can’t get complacent with just that. No, we need to touch him. Feel him. Want, truly from the depths of our hearts, want him. You feel me?! We need to stop being comfortable with just skimming the surface of all that God wants for us. We need to go in head deep. Pursue him truly with all that we have. We can’t get comfortable. Because once we do, it takes away so much from ourselves. We can’t see God for who he is if we get comfortable.

We need to open our eyes, people!

So, if you find yourself struggling with anxiety, BREATH. Relax, because God has it all under control. Write it somewhere that you see it every day. And if you are comfortable in your relationship with God, shift your position. Stand up. Get out of that. There is so much more for you. God has so much more for you.

Coming from a broken-ish home, I also found myself this week being jealous. I know, dumb. But sometimes, I want a hug from my dad. And I think back on all that he missed out on. All the Father’s day, all the baseball and volleyball games. And yeah, I even wanted awkward moments with my dad just to say that that happened to me too. Because yeah, I’m not like everyone else. I’m a mixed girl who was raised by my grandma. I have a weird relationship with my mom, my dad was in jail, and I probably have brothers and sisters that I've never met. So, sometimes when I lay it all down and think about it, I can get pretty depressed pretty quickly. And jealous. I get sooo jealous, and it’s dumb. I hate that I get jealous, because I am so blessed by other things in my life.

Let’s see, I go to an amazing college, have amazing friends, an amazing nana who is the bomb diggidy and I would probably die without her, and an AMAZING GOD who is SO MUCH BIGGER than all the crap that I get jealous about. Yeah, there are people out there who live with both parents, have awesome siblings, and that’s great. But I have a heavenly father who fills that gap in my heart that my earthly father never could. He could never love me as much as my Father already does. Jesus is and will forever be my Heavenly Father and my earthly father. I seriously get the best of both worlds. (too cheesy? ;)

I needed to realize that it’s okay to have that want and desire for an earthly father. I am human. But, I need to desire my heavenly Father more.

So, I’m good now. The sun is shining, and Gods glory is shining through every part of my life. God is so good. SOOOOO GOOD!

Per tradition, I leave you with an encouraging word. I read this last night in my devotional time and was like “WOAH, I must share this!” So if you have heard of this before, that’s cool, if not, that’s cool too. It’s a cool verse.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (NIV)

Cool verse, right?! :)

Nobodies Perfect.

So, I thought I would set some things straight about this blog. My last post was great. I shared my heart with you guys, and to my surprise y’all actually liked it! This was a complete shock, having people come up to me and telling me how much they loved it. I in no way wanted praise for it, I’m just a girl who wants to write about Jesus and how great he is. So here’s the thing, I’m not a perfect person. This blog will most likely be flawed, as we all are. I don’t read my bible every day, like I should. Sometimes I don’t take life as seriously as I should. But, with all that being said, I’m still going to write. It might not be every week, but I’m not going to stop. I realized, that when you have a gift that God has given you, there is a reason and purpose behind it. And if you don’t use that gift, you’re just wasting it away.

                So, now that we got that settled, let’s get to the good stuff. Lately, I have been noticing a trend with my fellow followers. And it’s not a good trend.

Time. Complainers. Distractions.

First, time. I don’t think that people realize how much time goes by everyday. For instance, a typical Tuesday for me goes like this: Wake up at 9:20, chapel at 10, class at 11, lunch, awkward hour break, class at 2, radio show at 4, dinner at 6, attempt to be social at some point, watch tv at 8, homework at 9, finally (if im lucky) in bed by 12. So you can see, time goes by really fast. But what about the big picture of time. I don’t even know what im going to eat for lunch, let alone what my plans are for after graduation. But that’s the great thing about it, I was thinking. We don’t have to worry about it. When God called me to Evangel 2 summers ago, I didn’t know anything about anything, but God guided me and directed me. And now im here! So if you catch yourself worrying about what you need to do in a day, or a week, just take a deep breath and slow down. Appreciate the time that you have now. Do things to cherish that time, because who knows, God might take you on a new rollercoaster like he did for me!

 

Second, complainers. Now we are all guilty of this. I am guilty of this. I’m pretty sure everyone is. But it’s time to stop, people! I found myself complaining about some stupid thing the other day, and I sounded so stupid. It is seriously time for us to start listening to what comes out of our mouths. I’m pretty sure that you bashing the caf’s food every time you eat there isn’t going to help anything. Or complaining about the chapel speaker that day, or just complaining about every single little thing in your life is going to get you NOWHERE. People, fellow students, friends, its time to be thankful. That caf food you just complained about, imagine saying it to the person who made it. Imagine that every single complaint that you have ever said about someone was heard by that someone. Dosnt seem very nice, does it? You may think that complaining is harmless, but it is the complete opposite.

Philippians 2:14

Do all things without grumbling or questioning,

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

1 Peter 4:9  

Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.

You get the idea. Now lets put these words of truth, into action.

Distractions. We’ve all got them. I’m pretty sure that whatever device you’re reading this on is a distraction. Last week, during chapel, I looked around. Just about everyone was on their phone, for the whole hour. Now I don’t know if it’s how I was raised, or if it’s just how I am, but I can’t be on my phone while someone is giving a message. I feel really guilty, knowing that I probably missed out on a good word, and probably missed out on something that God would have told me if I was paying attention. Everyone was on their phones, where it be playing some stupid game like flappy bird, on twitter, or just distracting themselves. We are in a generation that’s based on distractions, and I don’t know if it bothers anyone as much as it does me, but it’s time to put that stupid piece of metal down, and pay attention. You’re missing out on life, on what God could be trying to say to you. Now, again like I said before, I’m not perfect. I have dealt with this before. I’ve studied, been on my phone, the whole shebang during chapel. And I feel terrible about it. I feel like, honestly, distractions are made by the devil. They cloud our vision. And because of our sinful nature, we fall into that almost every day. So, next time you find yourself being distracted, slow down.

                I realize that iv probably hit you with a lot of stuff this post, but I had to set the record straight. Call it a slap in the face, or a reminder, but it had to happen. It’s time for us to rise up. It’s time for a generation of Christians who say no and mean it. It’s time for us to not only refuse the social stereotype that people have put Christians under, but break it. Let’s actually do what the bible says when it tells us to let our gentleness be evident to not just some people, but all people. Let the light of Christ shine in you. I guarantee once you start doing that, people will start to notice. But please, remember that I am just like you. I deal with all of these things, and more, on a daily basis. But the awesome thing about Jesus is that he forgives you, and gives you a clean slate every day.

A Blank Page.

A blank page. It’s something that we all need sometimes. I especially know this, because believe it or not, I’ve needed a lot of these in my little ole life. Sometimes, we just have to throw everything away. And I had to do that. This is just me, in my black skinny jeans and Michigan sweatshirt sitting in my warm bed in my messy dorm room typing a blog. Nothing fancy, I don’t own a cool coffee mug (unless you count the one with snoopy on it), I don’t have an artistic picture of my laptop and said cup of coffee on Instagram. It’s just me.  I am no one special, just a girl from Ohio going to college in Missouri (or is it Misery? I can’t tell anymore because of the weather).

                A few months ago, someone came up to me and said “God has great plans for you, remember that.” Now obviously I thought in my head Of course he does, or I wouldn’t be at Evangel! Even though you hear something over and over doesn’t mean that you truly believe it. I started to become so infatuated with all the different plans that God might have for me, like who I will marry, if I would even stay at Evangel at the end of this year, and what was I even going to do with a Digital Arts degree. It started to consume me, the fantasies of what could be. They took over me, until I started to believe that my plans where really Gods plans when they weren’t. I started to say “Yeah God, here’s my life… but I want you to do this with it.” Because of the control that I wanted in my life, I was terrified of God doing something really major, maybe even something that I didn’t want to happen or do. I started to lose the big picture of what it all was, to what he was doing. I was getting so tired of people saying ‘You’re so happy all the time, how do you do it?” I couldn’t answer that honestly, because even I didn’t know. It’s just my human nature, I can’t help but not hold the door for someone, or to smile at someone while walking to class. It’s the genuine me coming out. And I hated it.  Because believe it or not, I was not happy on the inside. I was just so sick of not knowing just what God was doing in my life. I wanted control. I couldn’t let go. I also let the fear of not knowing what was going to happen to consume me. I was scared of people leaving me, and when they did, I was so done with dealing with everything. I thought How could someone I was so close to 4 months ago just throw it all away because I was trying to live my life. I couldn’t stand having someone leave me again. I poured my heart out to these people, and now we don’t even talk? I said, or rather yelled, at God one night: what the heak are you doing, you’re screwing everything up! Everything was great and dandy, and now you go and do this? I can’t catch a break! I was over God. But no matter how mad and upset I was at him, I couldn’t let him go. I’ve gone through too much, fought too hard, to just throw this relationship away. If anything, I felt like I was the one fighting to keep the relationship alive between me and God. I was treating him like a friend, and not like my King.

                I had to start being humble. I made some drastic (drastic for me, anyway) decisions. I deleted my Tumblr (blog site), because I was tired of logging on and only seeing people post negative and sad crap all the time. And believe it or not, I was tired of reading about One Direction (I know, big shock! I was shocked too!). I started dressing for myself. Now, in the past, I started dressing how everyone else was, what was trendy and all that. I started to lose sight of who I was. Who cares if I wear t-shirts and jeans every day? But I did care, and I cared more than I thought. So I stopped. Now, I wear what I want. And that feels really good, let me tell ya. I woke up every morning as asked God how I could be a blessing to someone that day. Every day I asked, and every day he provided the opportunity for me to be a blessing to someone.  I also started to embrace myself for who I truly am. Now, smiling at people on the sidewalk actually makes me happy. Being kind just to be kind feels really good. Genuine kindness is something that the world needs more of. I started looking for friends who not only enjoyed my company, but who bettered me. When I moved to my new floor, I was terrified. Deep down I was, but I didn’t tell anyone. I had an awesome new roommate, and the girls on the floor seemed really nice. But in my mind, no group of girls could be as close as they all seemed to be. And they proved me wrong. I knew from the start, when they asked me how I was, said hi to me, and actually invited me to do things with them, that I found a group of girls who would be my family. They all have a part of my heart now.

                Control. Having a grip on your life, or whatever you want to call it. I had to give God control. Because if I didn’t, I would have just sat and sulked for a long time. Most of you know, I am a very stubborn person. If I don’t want to do something, I won’t until I have to. So I had to bow down to my King, and that took a lot for me. Because I also deal with pride. Pride, control, and stubbornness are the big three here. I humbly said “God, I’m an idiot and I need you. I screwed up. You take my future, because I can’t deal with the thought of it anymore.” And he did, he had already done it by paying the price for me. He hung on a tree for me, he deserves the glory in everything. I gave him my hands to use for his glory, I have him my heart to have. I finally had to say to myself “I don’t want a boyfriend, because I want Jesus more. I don’t need these friends in my life, because I have an everlasting father who is my eternal friend. I cannot have control over my life, because my King has my past, present, and future in his hands. He gets the glory in all that I do, not myself. I take no credit for all that he has done in my life.” That took a lot for me to say to not only myself, but to Jesus. But once you say those things, you really mean it. Jesus is so much bigger than all of this. It’s so amazing how he pours and pours out his grace to us, and it will never run out because that’s just how much he loves us. 

                Now, I am a happy resident of Walther Third South room 308, I’m on the campus radio twice a week, I have amazing friends, and an amazing God. I’m not saying that everything is peachy, because it’s far from it. I still have anxiety when I think about my future, but every day is a new day, a blank page. I’m still broke as a goat (new term, blame my friends), and my insecurities still find a way to creep up on me. But I have an awesome God, a God who has control of it all, who wraps me in his love and grace. What an amazing thought that is! I will leave you with an inspiring quote:

                “Each New Year, we have before us a brand new book containing 365 blank pages. Let us fill them with all the forgotten things from last year—the words we forgot to say, the love we forgot to show, and the charity we forgot to offer.”  ― Peggy Toney Horton