A Blank Page.

A blank page. It’s something that we all need sometimes. I especially know this, because believe it or not, I’ve needed a lot of these in my little ole life. Sometimes, we just have to throw everything away. And I had to do that. This is just me, in my black skinny jeans and Michigan sweatshirt sitting in my warm bed in my messy dorm room typing a blog. Nothing fancy, I don’t own a cool coffee mug (unless you count the one with snoopy on it), I don’t have an artistic picture of my laptop and said cup of coffee on Instagram. It’s just me.  I am no one special, just a girl from Ohio going to college in Missouri (or is it Misery? I can’t tell anymore because of the weather).

                A few months ago, someone came up to me and said “God has great plans for you, remember that.” Now obviously I thought in my head Of course he does, or I wouldn’t be at Evangel! Even though you hear something over and over doesn’t mean that you truly believe it. I started to become so infatuated with all the different plans that God might have for me, like who I will marry, if I would even stay at Evangel at the end of this year, and what was I even going to do with a Digital Arts degree. It started to consume me, the fantasies of what could be. They took over me, until I started to believe that my plans where really Gods plans when they weren’t. I started to say “Yeah God, here’s my life… but I want you to do this with it.” Because of the control that I wanted in my life, I was terrified of God doing something really major, maybe even something that I didn’t want to happen or do. I started to lose the big picture of what it all was, to what he was doing. I was getting so tired of people saying ‘You’re so happy all the time, how do you do it?” I couldn’t answer that honestly, because even I didn’t know. It’s just my human nature, I can’t help but not hold the door for someone, or to smile at someone while walking to class. It’s the genuine me coming out. And I hated it.  Because believe it or not, I was not happy on the inside. I was just so sick of not knowing just what God was doing in my life. I wanted control. I couldn’t let go. I also let the fear of not knowing what was going to happen to consume me. I was scared of people leaving me, and when they did, I was so done with dealing with everything. I thought How could someone I was so close to 4 months ago just throw it all away because I was trying to live my life. I couldn’t stand having someone leave me again. I poured my heart out to these people, and now we don’t even talk? I said, or rather yelled, at God one night: what the heak are you doing, you’re screwing everything up! Everything was great and dandy, and now you go and do this? I can’t catch a break! I was over God. But no matter how mad and upset I was at him, I couldn’t let him go. I’ve gone through too much, fought too hard, to just throw this relationship away. If anything, I felt like I was the one fighting to keep the relationship alive between me and God. I was treating him like a friend, and not like my King.

                I had to start being humble. I made some drastic (drastic for me, anyway) decisions. I deleted my Tumblr (blog site), because I was tired of logging on and only seeing people post negative and sad crap all the time. And believe it or not, I was tired of reading about One Direction (I know, big shock! I was shocked too!). I started dressing for myself. Now, in the past, I started dressing how everyone else was, what was trendy and all that. I started to lose sight of who I was. Who cares if I wear t-shirts and jeans every day? But I did care, and I cared more than I thought. So I stopped. Now, I wear what I want. And that feels really good, let me tell ya. I woke up every morning as asked God how I could be a blessing to someone that day. Every day I asked, and every day he provided the opportunity for me to be a blessing to someone.  I also started to embrace myself for who I truly am. Now, smiling at people on the sidewalk actually makes me happy. Being kind just to be kind feels really good. Genuine kindness is something that the world needs more of. I started looking for friends who not only enjoyed my company, but who bettered me. When I moved to my new floor, I was terrified. Deep down I was, but I didn’t tell anyone. I had an awesome new roommate, and the girls on the floor seemed really nice. But in my mind, no group of girls could be as close as they all seemed to be. And they proved me wrong. I knew from the start, when they asked me how I was, said hi to me, and actually invited me to do things with them, that I found a group of girls who would be my family. They all have a part of my heart now.

                Control. Having a grip on your life, or whatever you want to call it. I had to give God control. Because if I didn’t, I would have just sat and sulked for a long time. Most of you know, I am a very stubborn person. If I don’t want to do something, I won’t until I have to. So I had to bow down to my King, and that took a lot for me. Because I also deal with pride. Pride, control, and stubbornness are the big three here. I humbly said “God, I’m an idiot and I need you. I screwed up. You take my future, because I can’t deal with the thought of it anymore.” And he did, he had already done it by paying the price for me. He hung on a tree for me, he deserves the glory in everything. I gave him my hands to use for his glory, I have him my heart to have. I finally had to say to myself “I don’t want a boyfriend, because I want Jesus more. I don’t need these friends in my life, because I have an everlasting father who is my eternal friend. I cannot have control over my life, because my King has my past, present, and future in his hands. He gets the glory in all that I do, not myself. I take no credit for all that he has done in my life.” That took a lot for me to say to not only myself, but to Jesus. But once you say those things, you really mean it. Jesus is so much bigger than all of this. It’s so amazing how he pours and pours out his grace to us, and it will never run out because that’s just how much he loves us. 

                Now, I am a happy resident of Walther Third South room 308, I’m on the campus radio twice a week, I have amazing friends, and an amazing God. I’m not saying that everything is peachy, because it’s far from it. I still have anxiety when I think about my future, but every day is a new day, a blank page. I’m still broke as a goat (new term, blame my friends), and my insecurities still find a way to creep up on me. But I have an awesome God, a God who has control of it all, who wraps me in his love and grace. What an amazing thought that is! I will leave you with an inspiring quote:

                “Each New Year, we have before us a brand new book containing 365 blank pages. Let us fill them with all the forgotten things from last year—the words we forgot to say, the love we forgot to show, and the charity we forgot to offer.”  ― Peggy Toney Horton